


Gods and Monsters

by orphan_account



Series: Gods and Monsters [1]
Category: Homestuck
Genre: Ass-Kicking Killing Machine, F/F, F/M, Karkat is a little weenie, Lady Power, Nepeta is a huge badass let me just put that out there, Raiders, That's my baby girl, Who eventually grows a pair but w/e, Zombie Apocalypse
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2013-10-10
Updated: 2013-10-17
Packaged: 2017-12-28 23:34:55
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Graphic Depictions Of Violence
Chapters: 4
Words: 3,618
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/998244
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/orphan_account/pseuds/orphan_account
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>"Basically, everyone fell down, got back up, and started eating each other."</p>
<p>In which a sour-tempered boy from Chicago and a charismatic cat-girl from New Orleans try to preserve their insignificant lives as best they can.</p>
<p>Also, zombies.</p>
            </blockquote>





	1. ===> Be the kitty-cat raider.

**Author's Note:**

> let's all laugh at mallory for using a lana del rey song as her title
> 
> hhhhahahahhahha
> 
> check the bottom for actually serious notes

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> let's all laugh at mallory for using a lana del rey song as her title
> 
> hhhhahahahhahha
> 
> check the bottom for actually serious notes

The sky was blue and cloudless, sun beating mercilessly down on the scorching wasteland below. Luckily, you are not in its line of fire. Instead, you've got your feet kicked up on the dashboard of the pickup you had gotten a hold of just a week back. Latula is lounging in the backseat with her GameBoy, and Roxy drives while sipping her bottle of rum. You consider taking the wheel from her, but you weren't at all a steady driver. Besides, she was going mostly straight. ....Mostly.

"Yo Nepkat, toss me some chips from up there." Latula taps your shoulder with the back of her hand, and you reach back to hand her a bag of Lays. "You the best, kid." And you then there's loud, obnoxious chewing directly in your air.

"Y'knowow...we sholud, like, totes party it up tonite. Liek...slep in the back, and plya sum tunes, show them zambies who tha fuck's boss." Roxy jiggles her bottle at you with a grin, her gaze straying from the road. You gently move the steering wheel for her. "Pawxy, I don't think that would be a good decision." You say slowly, carefully.

"Fffffuuuckkk, Nep, why you gotta hate? Girl's gotta have fun, ya kno." She reaches over a hand to pinch your cheek. "Lucky you're such a cutie."

You pout and swat her hand away. "Roxy."

"Omgf, Nep, have you ever tried this shit?"

"I don't wanna get shitfaced, Lalonde."

Your friend ignores your protests. "I swaer, its the b-omb diggety. Liiiike, it burnssa lil bit, but its a good burn. Like when you drink hot chocolat and your tongeu just...your tong is on fiiiiiiire.” Roxy sings the last little bit, and you hear her chuckle a little bit, but you don’t get the reference. “But then theres chocol ate and s' all good. Try it, baby."

"Noooooo." You whine, pushing the bottle away.

"C'monn, its not even illllegal now."

You turn desperately to Latula. She sighs explosively. "Rox, stop the car. Tulip's taking over."

The blonde girl just giggles and does as she's told.

The circumstances of the present moment were weird ones. You'd been with these ladies for about a month now, stocking up on weapons and terrorizing survivor camps for supplies. When they refused to give up their loot, Latula shot them. It was disdainful, terrible, inhumane, but the three of you were surviving. That was what you had to do to live.  
Roxy was the brains (when she wasn't drunk) and the sharpest shooter, you were the fastest and most skilled at combat, and Latula was the tough one, the one who didn't show mercy. The latter was the newest addition to the team, and had a background she didn't talk about. You had suspicions; she kept a picture of a shaggy-haired young man in her bag. When you asked about it, she gripped it tight and suddenly became quite a bit more somber. "My 'Tuna." She had said quietly, and after a little coaxing, you got the name 'Mituna' out of her. You could tell she was mourning. 

Two hours and one stop to fill up the tank and another for Roxy to stagger out of the car and empty her stomach of her granola bar breakfast, the truck is mostly silent, except for Latula's faint humming of the Mario theme. Roxy snores in the back, half hanging from her seatbelt. She'll be grouchy when she wakes up.

"So, where to now?" The red-haired girl turns to look at you, glasses low on her faintly freckled nose. You shrug. "I think...Roxy was heading towards some big, swanky town. You nefur really know with her."

"She'z a trip, aiight." Latula chuckles. "Needz to quit getting throwed before every raid, though."

"Purreach it." You sigh and fiddle with your jacket. "I think it's her coping meowthod, though."

"Maybe, but still. Her sober noggin's hella sharp, probs even sharper than you and I. She's killin' it."

"I know...I think she's doing better, though. She's not...constantly drunk! Purrhaps she is half the time, but not always!"

Latula pauses a bit, before nodding and grinning a bit. "Y'know Nep, you are just literally a mini Meumix. Puns and all. It's actually kinda scary."

You smile at her, happy to remember your older sister. "You really think that?"

“Damn skippy!” Sometimes you don't know what Latula is saying.

“Huh.” You smirk to yourself, twirling a piece of dark hair between your fingers.  
“Wonder if there’s hotelz up here. Damn, what I’d give to live in a penthouse. All protected and shit. Plus, I bet those bedz are totally dope. I bet they got pillowz! Can you believe that, Nepz? Fuckin’ pillowz!”

There’s a loud groan from the back, and you and Latula simultaneously wince. 

“Hoooooooooooooly shit. The hell did I do.”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> SO UH Zombiestuck is one of my all-time favorite Homestuck AUs. I've been in about four thousand MSPARP roleplays involving it, I shit you not. One day in math class (where most of my fanfictions are born) I picked up my phone, opened Google Docs, and started writing. And then suddenly, my babe Nepeta was a raider chillin' with her homies. Frick to the yeah.
> 
> This fic will alternate between Nepeta and Karkat's point of view, although occasionally we will switcheroo to see what the other little bastards are up to. Updates may be slow, since I'm a busy woman who can't sit at her computer all day even though that's all she wants to do, but I'll try to make sure I don't leave you guys hanging.
> 
> This is a BIG project, and will likely take a bit of time and hard work on my part. Bear with me.


	2. ===> Be the angry boy.

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> "Okay, first of all, how dare you. Second of all, my romcoms are the only shred of joy in this miserable latrine of a house and you know it."

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> and here we introduce weenie titty baby karkat
> 
> jk i love him to death

Your name is Karkat Vantas and sweet anklebiting fuck you hate living in this mansion. Every single person, besides maybe Kanaya, is constantly pissing you off and you are always on the verge of flipping right off the fucking handle. It’s a shitty life and you despise your existence.

You're standing by Sollux with a flashlight gripped tight in your hand, watching him busy himself with the various wires and switches that droop from the box he's unscrewed. "So, Captor, any earthly clue about when I'll be able to shimmy my ass out of here? If I have to breathe this disgusting scent of mothballs and cat litter for three more seconds, I swear I'll drive this flashlight down your throat."

Three seconds pass. Sollux chuckles. "And yet, I remain unthcathed." 

"Shut your lispy mouth."

Your arm is aching, but you prop it up on the wall above you and yawn. Three months ago, you arrived at this hellhole in Kanaya's bloody Mazda, shellshocked and clinging to your then-girlfriend. You think about past you, and instinctively cringe. But a week into your stay, Terezi decided that she was better off without having to haul your ass (figuratively, of course) around everywhere she went, and promptly broke up with you.

You spent three days holed up in your room with Kanaya bringing you food and Eridan slipping in to make vague attempts at comforting you. The day you ventured from the bottom floor, you spotted Terezi and Dave sucking face in the living room. And back to your solitude you went, like the little piece of shit you are.

The split shouldn't have been much a surprise, since the two of you had always argued even before the recently deceased started getting the munchies. She accused you of being obsessive, and you retorted by calling her psychotic. It was back and forth, and it would be a lie to say you didn't see it coming. Still, you still cared deeply for her. You could only hope she felt similarly about you.

The minutes tick past, and Sollux finishes up and the two of you head back upstairs. Feferi's instantly at his side, and he picks her up and twirls her in a show of sickening affection. "Finally finished up?" She asks fondly, lacing her fingers through Sollux's hair. You pretend to gag, and Sollux lifts his middle finger towards you.

"Would've been quicker, if KK wathn't thuch a bitch."

"Oh, haha, wow! I'm so fucking offended! Jesus Christ, I'll just descend down to my little dark corner and gorge myself on Death by Chocolate ice cream. Thanks for ruining my life, Captor!" You shove past the couple and start down the hallway.

"Thuckth two thuck." Sollux calls after you.

"Don't even attempt to say that." You shoot back.

 

You find yourself seated next to Kanaya at the back patio, as usual. You'd known her for as long as you could remember; your families had been close for generations. Although she was only a couple months older than you, she was still a head taller and years wiser. On bad days, you would sit next to her and rant, sometimes for a couple minutes, sometimes a couple hours. But she listened, and occasionally, offered her advice. Advice you were eternally grateful for; Kanaya always knew what to say.

But today, you were all talked out. So you just plop down on the loveseat next to her, and sigh explosively. She's sewing a patch on someone's shirt, but she puts it down as soon as you enter and turns towards you.

Her slim fingers pick some dust from your hair, before smoothing it down, much to your embarrassment. "Quit that." You mumble.

"You're upset." She remarks. You fold your arms across your chest and lean back. "When am I not? I want to get out of here."

"Just because you are uncomfortable with the present complications of your romantic life, does not mean you should abandon the only safe haven for miles." Kanaya drawls, giving your shoulder a squeeze.

"That's not-" And then you sigh. She's right.  
"You do know what will happen if you venture out, correct?”

“I’ll be overwhelmed by man-eating, decomposing cadavers who will then proceed to rip mouthfuls of flesh from my body and I will inevitably become one of them.” You rub a palm against your forehead, a low grumble starting in your throat. 

“I wouldn’t be so graphic, but yes, that is essentially my point. Unless escape is the only choice in a situation, I would not advise leaving this place.”

“Yeah, yeah, yeah. Give me a break, Maryam. My ex-girlfriend’s obsessed with some hipster douchebag, my best friend is head-over-fucking-heels for the owner of this place, I can’t tell if Eridan’s advances on me are platonic or he wants to suck my dick, and to top it all off, we’re running out of fucking food! I may as well just hang myself from the staircase! Wouldn’t Terezi get a kick out of that!”

“Don’t talk like that.” Kanaya chides.

“Augh, fuck. Just. Fuck.” You drop your head against the woman’s shoulder with a sigh. “Why do relationships exist.”

“You're the one who uses up precious electricity watching indie films with terrible acting, far too many situations of love at first sight, and at least eight instances where all you hear are smacking noises and over-exaggerated moans for more than three minutes."

"Okay, first of all, how dare you. Second of all, my romcoms are the only shred of joy in this miserable latrine of a house and you know it."

"Alright, Karkat. You can keep on thinking that, I won't be stopping you."

"That's what I thought."

Kanaya clicks her tongue disapprovingly. "I don't care for the sass."

Sometimes, you wonder if Kanaya is actually your mother.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> ALRIGHTY!
> 
> So here we are introduced the mansion gang, which consists of Karkat, Sollux, Terezi, Feferi, Dave, Eridan, and Kanaya. Yep. 
> 
> Next chapter will hopefully be a bit more exciting than these two. Opening chapters always suck.
> 
> And Mallory out.


	3. Nepeta: Plot Delicious Murder

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> “I saw somethin’ up on a hill on the way down here.” Roxy says after a couple minutes of the three of you taking tiny sips of water and nibbling on some crackers.
> 
> “And?” You lean forward a bit.
> 
> “It was this hecka sweet mansion. Like, the kinda crib you’d see that Bill Gates dude chilling in. Or those white rappers with all the chicks grinding up on their junk. You know what I’m talking about?”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> look up nepeta's french thing in google translate i fucking dare you

After an hour or two of driving, the three of you reach your destination. The city is quaint, eerie, and silent, with Victorian houses from years ago lining the cobblestone streets. You’re pretty sure you learned about this place in History. Samantha? Savannah? It was a girl’s name, you’re positive. It used to be a thriving, bustling port city; perhaps the busiest port on the planet. Now, as you watch the wind whistle through the drooping trees and rustle untouched curtains, a chill travels up your spine. So many people used to live here, and now, they were all dead.

Well, not all of them. A fact you’re quickly made aware of.

“Weapons out, ladies. We got ourselves a horde.” Roxy loads up her semi-automatic and steps from the car, and you crawl out after her, yanking your freshly-sharpened hunting knives from their sheaths on your belt. Latula’s right behind you, twin swords in her hands. There’s a chorus of moans and snarling from around the corner, and then, you’re facing them. Bleeding, rotting, flesh hanging off their mutilated bodies. The scent hits you like a wall of bricks, and you instinctively yank the bandanna you wear around your neck up over your nose. The stench still nauseates you, though.

You look to Roxy and wait for her signal. After a couple seconds, she winks at you and flashes a single pistol with her free hand, and then you start running. 

Instantly you’re faced with a walker with a slash in her stomach, her intestines and organs spilling forth as she lumbers towards you. You hop back a few steps and deliver a swift kick to her face, and you hear the snap of her neck as she falls. Then there’s another, and you drive one of your knives into it’s empty eye socket. You chop yet another’s head off.  
It’s a couple minutes of fighting, and then there are only three beings remaining on their feet. Roxy gestures you all towards the truck, and you head back to get checked.

Roxy checks you first, pulling off your jacket and sliding your shirt up so she can see your back and stomach. “Clear so far, Neps.” You breathe a little sigh of relief. She tugs at the duct tape twined around your forearms and calves, makes sure there’s no breaks. After about a minute, she plants a kiss on your forehead and ruffles your hair. “All good, kitty cat.”

Then she moves on to Latula, while you pull your jacket back on and keep watch. Latula switches to check Roxy once she’s clear, and then the three of you climb into the back of the truck to take a break. 

“I saw somethin’ up on a hill on the way down here.” Roxy says after a couple minutes of the three of you taking tiny sips of water and nibbling on some crackers.  
“And?” You lean forward a bit.

“It was this hecka sweet mansion. Like, the kinda crib you’d see that Bill Gates dude chilling in. Or those white rappers with all the chicks grinding up on their junk. You know what I’m talking about?”

“I catch your drift, blondie.” Latula nods.

“So, I was thinking. We go up there, all badass and stalker-like, and raid the SHIT outta it. Anybody in it, we pop ‘em off or steal all their shit, if there’s too many. Just think, girls. We could be hangin’ in that place for MONTHS. I’m p sure there’s even a gate, so the little flesh-eating turds can’t get in there. It’s like, a fortress.”

“I’m game for that.” Latula pushes her glasses up on her nose, smiling. “How you feel about it, Neopet?”

“Well, there’s the pawsibility that zombies are in it. So we’d have to go purrpared, but it sounds like a purrfect plan ofurwise!”

“We all down?” Roxy looks between the two of you, and you both nod. She grins widely. “Nep, say the thing.”

“The Furrench thing?”

“Yee.”

You clear your throat a bit. Ever since Roxy learned you were from the French Quarter of New Orleans, she had badgered and badgered you to say random things in French. A month ago, she made a pretty special request. She decided she liked the sound of it, and made it your little group’s catchphrase.

“Mordre l'oreiller que je vais en sec?”

“Hell to the fuckin’ yeah!” Latula lifts up both hands for you and Roxy to smack, and you share the greatest of high-fives the world has ever seen.

The three of you park by the road behind the mansion Roxy told you about, and start into the forest in order to make a sneak attack, if anyone’s inside. To make sure the way is clear back to the car, you mark the trees with dark green spray paint. You zip up your jackets and pull up your bandanas to make yourselves seem more threatening, and both you and Latula grab a firearm from Roxy’s stash to keep up the image. You nab a Glock 35, and your comrade grabs a shotgun. Your directions are to take a hostage near the back and force someone to show you where the goodies are, while Latula makes a distraction in the front. 

The three of you hover near the treeline, waiting for Roxy’s signal. You hear a tree branch snap twice, and then you move.

There’s two folks on the patio; a young man with tanned skin and dark brown hair, and a very tall, statuesque woman with deep mocha skin. They’re sitting very close and the woman is messing with the boy’s hair, so you can guess that they’re close. 

You don’t even think. You hop over the railing, hook your arm around the boy’s neck, and press your Glock to his temple.

“One move and he dies.” You hiss.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> And here we have the Leijon and the Vantas's first meeting.
> 
> Needless to say, they're not going to get along for a while.


	4. Karkat: Be manhandled.

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> “Objection, your wordiness. My crew and I never killed anyone.” A blond girl waves a hand at you.
> 
> “Your little jockey here didn’t seem to have a problem with almost asphyxiating me.” You point accusingly at the little one. She makes an offended sound and puts her hand on her hip. “That wasn’t my intention, mister. You just don’t know when to stop struggling.”
> 
> “What the hell was I supposed to do, you smug sack of dick-fondling munchkins? Sit still and let myself be groped like some cheap, inexperienced prostitute? I could blow that little smirk off your face right now, you piece of fuck-”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> hehhhhehhee

You can’t even breathe.

Not only because there’s an arm crushing your windpipe, but because holy shit there is a gun to your head. You always thought you’d die heroically, leaping in front of a zombie’s diseased maw to save a friend or something along the lines of that. Not in the same way as your parents- begging for mercy and reduced to the likes of a pitiful child.

You look towards Kanaya; her hands are clenched into fists and her eyes are wide. She starts to back up and holds her hands above her head.

“Tell me what I need to do.” She murmurs. You swallow, and your assailant tightens their grip. Or, her, judging by the pitch of her voice. “How many of you are there?” 

“Seven, including us.”

The raider curses in some foreign language, taking a glance back at the trees. You see your chance and try to wriggle free, but the woman with her forearm against your throat presses harder and you swear your vision flickers for a few seconds. “Are you stupid? Stop moving.”

You try to say something back to her, but you can only make a few strangled whimpers. And even those noises are silenced as she presses the barrel of the gun to your temple again. The pressure on your neck doesn’t subside, and you feel your consciousness start to slip. You can hear the dull hum of voices, but your oxygen-deprived brain is too busy trying to keep yourself awake to make out what they’re saying. 

And then, you’re being dragged forward, and you’re roughly tossed onto the ground.

You crumple to your hands and knees, gasping and choking for air. For a moment you think you’re going to be sick, but you manage to preserve the last shreds of your dignity remaining. Soft, slender fingers you recognize as Kanaya’s card through your hair and rub your back soothingly. “Karkat, are you alright?” She mutters.

You cough a couple times, and when you speak, your voice comes out gravelly and cracking. Your throat is raw and it hurts to talk. “Just peachy, Maryam. The peachiness of my present state could win a blue fucking ribbon at the county fair. I even beat out Grandma Josie and her strawberry preserves.”

Someone laughs. “Someone sure likes talkin.’”

You lift your head and glare up at all who surround you. Sollux and Feferi are there, the latter looking rather frazzled. Eridan’s standing nearby, and Dave’s holding his stupid shitty sword. Wait, fuck, Terezi-

You see her on the couch, engulfed in the arms of someone with the exact same vibrant red hair. Her clone is stroking her head and kissing her forehead and murmuring to her, and for a moment, you’re terribly confused, but then you remember that Terezi had an older sister who she’d been separated from. Latula. Where in the shit did she come from?”

“Don’t mind Karcrab, he’s just a little grouchy sometimes. Es-perch-shelly after being man-handled.”

“I do believe I should apawlogize fur that. Sorry, Karcrab.” There’s that voice. Instantly you’re standing up, wrestling the gun from Eridan’s hand and pointing it at the girl in the black jacket.   
“Kar, hold on just a fuckin’ minute-”

“Ampora, shut up.”

Your hand shakes, and your footing is unsteady, but your glare is livid. The raider tosses her hands haphazardly in the air.

“I’ll shoot you, you disgusting fucking bitch, I’ll pump your ass full of lead in three seconds flat-”

“Karkat! Calm down, they’re old acquaintances of Feferi. Friends.” 

“Friends?” You whirl around and face Kanaya, fuming. “No. Fuck that. Fuck that in its leaky asshole, I’m not gonna be on ANY terms whatsoever with a couple selfish, shitbrained raiders who would rather kill people than actually work for supplies.”

“Objection, your wordiness. My crew and I never killed anyone.” A blond girl waves a hand at you.

“Your little jockey here didn’t seem to have a problem with almost asphyxiating me.” You point accusingly at the little one. She makes an offended sound and puts her hand on her hip. “That wasn’t my intention, mister. You just don’t know when to stop struggling.”

“What the hell was I supposed to do, you smug sack of dick-fondling munchkins? Sit still and let myself be groped like some cheap, inexperienced prostitute? I could blow that little smirk off your face right now, you piece of fuck-”

“Actually, you couldn’t. The safety’s on, genius.” The girl yanks down the bandanna covering half of her face and simpers at you. She’s got short, rumpled dark hair, and round green eyes that look kind of slitted, like a cat’s. If you were a pre-pubescent seventh-grader stuck in gym class, you would actually think she was cute. But she had nearly killed you back there, and for that, you weren’t letting her off easy.

You let out a string of insults and chuck the gun at her face. She catches it easily, before she tosses it back to Eridan. 

“Your attempts at being manly are actually purrty amewsing. I like you.”

“I really, really don’t like you.”

“No matter. The name’s Nepeta.”

“Go fuck yourself.”

“Good to meet you, too.”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I don't have anything to say.

**Author's Note:**

> SO UH Zombiestuck is one of my all-time favorite Homestuck AUs. I've been in about four thousand MSPARP roleplays involving it, I shit you not. One day in math class (where most of my fanfictions are born) I picked up my phone, opened Google Docs, and started writing. And then suddenly, my babe Nepeta was a raider chillin' with her homies. Frick to the yeah.
> 
> This fic will alternate between Nepeta and Karkat's point of view, although occasionally we will switcheroo to see what the other little bastards are up to. Updates may be slow, since I'm a busy woman who can't sit at her computer all day even though that's all she wants to do, but I'll try to make sure I don't leave you guys hanging.
> 
> This is a BIG project, and will likely take a bit of time and hard work on my part. Bear with me.


End file.
